Guitargasm! Part Twelve

On the morning bus to school, Danny considers the assignment his brother has given him: find someone to help Hellakill build their MySpace page.

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On the morning bus to school, Danny considers the assignment his brother has given him: find someone to help Hellakill build their MySpace page. "Nobody's saying you're in the band," Jay told him. "You obviously have a lot of work to do before you can start practicing with the whole lineup, let alone perform with us. But if you're going to be part of the team you're going to have to do this extra stuff. Being in a band is a lot more than playing an instrument." Yeah, some band, Danny thinks, gazing out the window at the snow-dusted streets. They don't even have instruments. It's embarrassing to Danny that he has to ask someone for help with MySpace, since he's made so many loud statements about how MySpace users are web junkies who need to get off their asses and make some real friends instead of imaginary creepy internet stalker friends. The irony of Danny's position on the matter is lost on him, considering that he avoids going out and making friends whenever possible. All the same, the idea of making a contribution to Hellakill's fortune is encouraging to Danny. I am getting better, he thinks. I'm a lot better than I was a few weeks ago. Maybe in Jay's eyes playing with the members of Pattern Disruption at Julie's garage had looked like a setback. Danny had sounded clumsy with the strange guitar in his hands. He knew Jay had been embarrassed by his poor play, but Danny knows it was an important step. It was his first time playing with different musicians, and more importantly, it was the first time playing without another guitar to guide him. He played guitar with only a bass and drums and had kept up. Even if he sounded like shit, he had discovered that he's capable of playing with others. The bus drops him off in front of McLaughlin Collegiate. Since the weather turned cold, Kev no longer waits in front of the school for Danny. Instead, Danny heads inside and sees his friend waiting for him on a bench not far from his locker. Kev's eyes are closed and his head is tilted back, earphones in place. Before Danny gets there, one of the jocks from the football team walks past and slap Kev hard across the face, knocking the earphones off and almost causing Kev to fall off the bench. "Wake up, douche-bag," the jock says as he walks on. Some kids laugh as Kev picks up his earphones. "What the fuck was that?" he says as Danny arrives. "Fucking Taylor," Danny says. Kev stands up and looks down the hallway. "Fuck you, Taylor!" he shouts. There is some laughter in response, and a teacher sticks his head out of a classroom, looking angrily around. Kev and Danny glance around innocently. The teacher goes back into the room and the boys move to Danny's locker. "I'm gonna kill that fuck-sack," Kev seethes. "I'd drop it," Danny says. "Unless you want to fight the whole football team. It's like the mafia. He's got connections." "I'll make it look like a cartoon killing," Kev says. "I'll drop a piano on him, or an anvil. Maybe something involving a catapult." "Yeah, maybe. Hey, you haven't set up a MySpace account, have you?" Kev's expression turns from angry to confused. "No. Why?" "Just wondering. I heard Slipknot has a really awesome MySpace page, that's all. I was thinking maybe it's time to get on board with this whole thing." "I've seen Slipknot's MySpace page," Kev says. "It's pretty cool, but that doesn't mean I'm going set up an account. I mean, just because I get Slipknot to add me as a MySpace friend, it isn't like they're suddenly inviting me to parties and shit, right?" "I guess." The warning bell rings and the boys separate. Danny walks down the hallway, evaluating people as he goes, trying to judge them as potential MySpace tutors. He sees a group of girls waiting outside a classroom and identifies them as the senior class alpha-girls. The superficial cool chicks, Danny sneers. If life were a movie they would all be cheerleaders. As it is though, he's pretty sure they're all on MySpace. Danny knows that one of the girls is in his first period math class. He slows down, and sure enough, Jen breaks off from the group and starts moving ahead of Danny down the hallway. It takes only a few steps for him to catch up to her. He feels a weird tingling in his stomach as he approaches, because although he's been in five classes with her over the last few years, he's never spoken directly to her. "Hey Jen," he says, falling in step next to her. She gives him a cross look and keeps walking. "I just had a question for you," he continues. "You're on MySpace all the time, right? I was wondering, um, I know some guys with a band that need some help setting up a really awesome page. Do you think..." She turns and stops him, holding a hand up in front of his face. "A retarded baby with broken hands can figure out how to make a cool MySpace page. This is the lamest pickup line anyone has ever tried." "It's not a pickup line," he says. She walks into the classroom, ignoring him and taking her seat. "What was that all about?" a girl says, pushing past Danny into the class. "Nothing," he says. "I was asking her about MySpace." "What about it?" The girl, named Benny, sits down next to Danny's usual seat. Danny doesn't really know her, but she's usually friendly. He knows Benny is short for Belinda, and that's she's into pop-punk. "My brother's band needs help building a page," he says, sitting down. "What's so hard about that?" she says. "It's easy." "Yeah, but they're a bunch of retarded babies with broken hands," he responds. Hellakill meets at Peter's place to nail down a tentative lineup for the fundraiser. They schedule themselves as the final band, and Pattern Disruption fills the opening slot. The four spots in between are less clear. Tyson tells them he exchanged e-mails with Rich from Lady Endorphin and got Casey, the Lady herself, to commit to the show. "I would put them down as third or fourth," Tyson says, "depending on who else we get." The guitarist from one of Steve's former bands has put together an as-yet unnamed folk-country-punk fusion group, and Steve gives his guarantee that the act will be solid. He plays a demo track for them, a scorching speed-cover of the ballad "Wreck of The Old 97." "They're good enough," Jay says, listening to the track. "Just make sure they know they have to draw people. Friends, family, anybody. Every band needs to sell tickets or we're going to lose our shirts. And tell them to pick a name so we can advertise." "No name," ponders Tyson. "Second spot. Definitely no better." Peter recommends a local cover band called Sharp Edge, who are trying to cross over and start playing originals. Tyson and Jay have seen them and give the okay, both secretly hoping the student crowd won't find their mainstream rock act too cheesy and pub-polished. "Only five bands," Tyson says, looking at the list. "It's enough to go ahead," Jay says. "We've got time to fill the last spot." "Yeah. Hopefully with someone who draws a crowd." That Thursday night Peter picks up the other guys and they head to rehearse at Julie's house with Pattern Disruption's gear. Jay brings his left handed practice guitar in its cheap vinyl carrying bag. They park in front of the house and go around to knock on the back door. A grey-haired man opens the door and gives them a hard look. "Is Julie home?" Jay asks. The man turns into the house. "Jules?" he calls. "Some guys are here." He then turns and walks away, leaving them waiting outside. They hear footsteps and Julie comes to the door, dressed in sweats. "Hey guys," she says. "Jeez, didn't dad invite you in? Come on." She ushers them inside and into the attached garage, flicking on the lights for them. "I'm going to hang out in here while you play, okay?" she says. "My dad, you know, he probably wouldn't want me to invite a bunch of dudes in here and leave them alone in the garage." "Of course," Steve says. "We might set the house on fire with our crack pipes." "Or steal the lawn chairs," adds Peter. "I forgot to mention," Tyson says, "If it's cool, I invited some people to drop by later." Jay looks at him. "Who?" "Rich and Lady Endorphin. You know, from Lady Endorphin." "Well, obviously." Julie grins. "Is her name really Lady Endorphin? Like, is that what we're supposed to call her?" "I'm not sure," Tyson says. "I think her real name is Casey." Steve smiles and rubs his hands together. "She's coming here? Sweeeeet." Jay gets his guitar out of the carrying bag and hooks up to the amp waiting for him. "When did you set this up? It seems strange." "When I swapped emails with Rich," Tyson says. "He's a bit cocky, but he's a pretty cool guy. And he really liked the idea of doing a song together. He's bringing his guitar and amp. I guess they want to jam a bit." Julie sits watching, a text book sitting open in her lap while Hellakill begins running through their set, adjusting to the unfamiliar gear. Jay suffers the most from the change of equipment. Even though the instrument is his, the little Sears guitar is unsatisfactory and he grimaces through his solos, unhappy with the sound. After an hour Tyson stops them in mid-song to check his cell phone. He looks at the number and answers the call. "Hello? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, we're in the garage. Yeah, just park on the street. Cool." He flips the phone shut. "They're here." He looks at Julie. "Can we open the big door?" They pull the garage door open and spot a pale green Thunderbird parking across the street. The car stops and a figure gets out, slams the door, and gets a guitar case and amp out of the trunk. "Guess he's alone," Peter says from behind the drums. Rich walks up with his gear. "Hey guys," he says, stepping inside. "Good to see you again." He spots Julie and gives her a smile and a nod. "Your place, huh? Thanks for having me over." "No Lady Endorphin?" Steve asks. Rich sets his stuff down. "Who, Casey? Nah, she's actually pretty shy. If it's cool with you guys, she was hoping that maybe we could record something together for her to listen to before she actually comes around and sings." "She isn't very shy on stage," Jay says. "I know. She's a bit of an odd duck. Sometimes she doesn't even come to band practice. She just has us record it for her." "Must be hard on you guys," Tyson says. Rich shrugs. "Yeah, but you make concessions for genius." Julie looks at him. "Genius?" He shrugs again and gets ready to play. He finally flicks on his Marshall amp and touches his pick to the strings of his Schecter guitar. He puts the pick between his teeth and pulls a sheet of paper out of his pants pocket, unfolds it and hands it to Tyson. "These are the songs she'll do." "I thought you guys would join us on one of our songs," Tyson says, taking the list. "Casey thought this would be better," Rich says. "If it's a cover, than it's fifty-fifty, right? It's not like, us supporting you. It's more even." "But you guys are supporting us," says Jay. "That's the whole point of the show." "There are some okay songs here," Tyson says, looking over the list. "There are even a few that we've played before. I don't mind doing a cover." Jay comes around and looks at the list. "Holy shit. 'Walk This Way.' Remember playing that?" "I don't remember playing that," says Steve. "Before your time. We had that guy Keith back then. Do you know it, Peter?" Peter taps the edge of the snare a few times. "I used to play it with a cover band. I could give it a go." Rich begins to softly play the opening riff. "Come here, Steve," Jay says. "You're going here-here-here, then here-here-here for the intro and the chorus. This is a bit simplified, but I think that should sound right for now. You can look it up later. I can't remember the verse stuff, but just try and play along, okay?" Steve shrugs. "Sure." They talk through the changes and just before they begin, Rich takes a minidisk recorder from his guitar case and turns it on. Peter counts them in with the distinctive high-hat and rat-tat-tat opening before Jay and Rich hit the classic opening riff together, playing in something close to synchronization. They grind to a halt at a change but try again and soon have the song rolling. Tyson starts singing, missing some lines but improvising to fill the holes. The rhythm is clunky and raw as they try the song together for the first time, but there is the potential that it could sound good with practice. They play through the verses and choruses, showing flashes of tightness as their experience and ability compensate for the awkwardness of the situation. After the final chorus Jay gets ready to let it rip with Joe Perry's closing solo, but Rich gets the jump on him and launches into it, playing through the long sequence note for note. The members of Hellakill watch and play along in amazement, keeping the beat for the strange little guitarist from Indianapolis playing with them. Even Julie stares, her mouth open slightly, surprised by the sheer virtuosity of Rich's play. When Rich trails off, he nods to Jay. The other members of Hellakill turn to watch their lefty guitarist with his little Sears model. Jay bops his head to the beat a few times and starts a solo, improvising his own so as not to copy what Rich had done. Rich fills in behind him with a rhythm line, accentuating the lines that Jay plays, while Jay does his best to not let his guest outshine him. Jay reaches through his mind for any little bits and pieces that might fit, and cobbles together an impressive improvised solo. When Jay finally backs off, Rich picks it right up, launching into a response solo to what Jay had played. The band plays, Tyson clapping along, as the old Aerosmith song becomes a vehicle for an old fashioned guitar war. The garage is cold, but sweat runs down Jay's face as he tries to keep pace with Rich's dynamic play. The two guitarists feed off each other, blasting out searing lines, doubling up to pump out the sound and eventually falling into a super-heavy repetition of the famous opening riff. Peter brings down the beat, tapping it out slower and slower until Jay hits a final chord, and Rich performs a final run up the neck of his guitar, ending on a piercing final note. The garage falls silent. No one speaks until at last Peter nods and says "That was really cool." "Yeah," Tyson says, not looking at either guitarist. "I think this will work out pretty well." Jay flexes his fingers, almost panting with the exertion. Two thoughts stand prominently in his mind. I need to get a proper guitar, is the first thought. And the second thought? No way am I going to allow this guy to upstage me with my own band. 2007 Nolan Whyte

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    slann101
    that last bit about the guitar duel...that actuallyhad me holding my breath
    Y0UNGBL00D
    wow, just when i thought crit would never come. these guys have some great points too, even if delivered coarsely. but i was definnitely waiting for this, and i've gotten used to the milieu here as far as the writing goes, now i just wanna see what happens!!!
    Scourge441
    My favorite part yet, but I agree
    Shaggy42 wrote: Garb. Total garb, and I guess here I play the guy that everyone disagrees with because he's a total douche who just doesn't appreciate this fine literature. And I know that this really isn't fine literature, this isn't Twain or Bukowski or The Beat Generation. But this piece you have written is just so unspectacular. I mean, using MySpace as a plot device? And the characters are just too shallow. The dialogue seems to straight-to-TV-scripty. Give them some real good lines, you know? Some good ****ing lines that don't just give you some kind of sense of accomplishment at the end, but make you laugh a little when you write it down because it feels right. You've got to forget about the word processors and the need for a story and all your ambition and instead sit in front of some old typewriter and make mistakes. I mean, Jesus Christ, at least make it sound like you could be a great writer instead of another mediocre Times journalist.
    Well, you're definitely right about the "total douche" part. There's a difference between constructive criticism and trashing someone's work. You did the latter.
    Mitchapaloozaa wrote: One more tip, when a character says something, just say "says." Don't say seethes, or ponders. It's awkward, and if you write it well, we'll know how they do it.
    I disagree heavily with this.
    Mitchapaloozaa
    Shaggy42 wrote: Garb. Total garb, and I guess here I play the guy that everyone disagrees with because he's a total douche who just doesn't appreciate this fine literature. And I know that this really isn't fine literature, this isn't Twain or Bukowski or The Beat Generation. But this piece you have written is just so unspectacular. I mean, using MySpace as a plot device? And the characters are just too shallow. The dialogue seems to straight-to-TV-scripty. Give them some real good lines, you know? Some good ****ing lines that don't just give you some kind of sense of accomplishment at the end, but make you laugh a little when you write it down because it feels right. You've got to forget about the word processors and the need for a story and all your ambition and instead sit in front of some old typewriter and make mistakes. I mean, Jesus Christ, at least make it sound like you could be a great writer instead of another mediocre Times journalist.
    I don't disagree with you, though it's not the most helpful thing to call someone's work garbage. This is pulp stuff. It's obviously not trying (or just not able) to be meaningful in the least, or even have any sort of theme going on(besides "music is an awesome journey" or "don't be a d-bag"). You tell the reader everything. Not good. The rule for prose is show, don't tell. You just outright say exactly what each character is thinking, summarizing up their thoughts and what happens. Show what they are thinking through their actions. I want to say don't baby your audience, but to be honest I think a lot of the people who read these need to be babied. One more tip, when a character says something, just say "says." Don't say seethes, or ponders. It's awkward, and if you write it well, we'll know how they do it. Hopefully you'll read this. But hey, you've got your audience anyway.
    EvilWeevil
    This reminds me a lot of Beck the manga which has similar band-breaking-out and struggling-learner-into-experienced-badn dynamics. But your piece is pretty darn awesome
    guitaringsailor
    great episode... I like it! sure this isn't fine literature but hell I don't want to read that I want to read this... and tabs
    J.MitMetallica
    In response to shaggy: I don't think this is great writing, and I think perhaps most of what you said is right, although you went in a little hard at first. The only thing I disagree with is the thing you said about not saying things other than "says". Why not? Naturally, you don't want to spoon feed everyone with exact descriptions of the characters' speech, but have you ever read Arthur Miller? He's arguably one of the best writers since Shakespeare in terms of his construction and dialogue, but his stage and speech directions are so exact, that he'll sue people if they put on a performance that doesn't reflect what he imagined. Just something to think about....
    Shaggy42
    Mitchapaloozaa wrote: Shaggy42 wrote: Garb. Total garb, and I guess here I play the guy that everyone disagrees with because he's a total douche who just doesn't appreciate this fine literature. And I know that this really isn't fine literature, this isn't Twain or Bukowski or The Beat Generation. But this piece you have written is just so unspectacular. I mean, using MySpace as a plot device? And the characters are just too shallow. The dialogue seems to straight-to-TV-scripty. Give them some real good lines, you know? Some good ****ing lines that don't just give you some kind of sense of accomplishment at the end, but make you laugh a little when you write it down because it feels right. You've got to forget about the word processors and the need for a story and all your ambition and instead sit in front of some old typewriter and make mistakes. I mean, Jesus Christ, at least make it sound like you could be a great writer instead of another mediocre Times journalist. I don't disagree with you, though it's not the most helpful thing to call someone's work garbage. This is pulp stuff. It's obviously not trying (or just not able) to be meaningful in the least, or even have any sort of theme going on(besides "music is an awesome journey" or "don't be a d-bag"). You tell the reader everything. Not good. The rule for prose is show, don't tell. You just outright say exactly what each character is thinking, summarizing up their thoughts and what happens. Show what they are thinking through their actions. I want to say don't baby your audience, but to be honest I think a lot of the people who read these need to be babied. One more tip, when a character says something, just say "says." Don't say seethes, or ponders. It's awkward, and if you write it well, we'll know how they do it. Hopefully you'll read this. But hey, you've got your audience anyway.
    Yeah, I got pretty pissy. I realize I shouldn't have called it garb, because it is a lot better than about 90% of people out there. Otherwise I likely would have ignored it. I indeed was a douche bag because I got so angry that everybody praised it like they really knew what they were talking about, or moreover, that's how I felt because I get pretty cynical. (Trying not to douche) What you said about not using words like pondering or seethes or whatever, I can agree with for the most part. I don't think you would have to eliminate those words completely, but yeah, they're just overused here and it doesn't feel like natural storytelling. I also didn't realize how pissy I sounded, what I was really trying to say is that this piece is alright , as in good enough to be on television, which is better than crap. But it's not exceptional . Just don't ever settle for anything less than amazing and try to be observant, not only realizing why some writers are amazing and some are just bestsellers, but also learning how to apply that kind of knowledge into your own writing and tell a good story. If everybody tells you your good, it's going to be harder for you to progress as a writer unless your very self-critical. And the MySpace comment I made, I just have this bias towards MySpace and the fact that it's even a part of pop culture today. The only part I do like about it is the music search engine, anyway. So I guess that wasn't even really good criticism. I feel like my father; yelling his obscenities, cooling off and talking more sensibly.
    filthylittleboy
    javo44 wrote: 6-string-yay wrote: this is like the oc of the guitar world lol, if only my girlfriend would see it that way...
    +1!!! lmao! another great one. dude your not even getting paid, ignore these jerks "I wish he was faster" w.e, I read it when I see it, and you never take SO long that i forget what the last story was about! keep it up
    mr barnicals
    don't shorten the story just cuz people are saying to speed it up and get on with the strory. and dont sacrifice quality to bring parts out faster either. although it would be nice if there was a new part waiting for me on UG every day
    Imp
    Regardless of how good or not good the writing is -- the story is just plain fun to read. That's quality in and of itself.
    BobTheBlob
    these stories have so many random conflicts that they get out of hand and some go unresolved. I mean, they make good endings for chapters, but if they're not finished, it's really disappointing
    TagRingo
    he's def gonna hook up with benny great job, definitely worth the wait
    Flying Afros
    the jam scene at the end was really cool. im really getting into this whole story. cant wait for the next one
    philjay
    Haha, how could you go wrong with a guitar off on a guitar forum. Good one mate
    Shaggy42
    Garb. Total garb, and I guess here I play the guy that everyone disagrees with because he's a total douche who just doesn't appreciate this fine literature. And I know that this really isn't fine literature, this isn't Twain or Bukowski or The Beat Generation. But this piece you have written is just so unspectacular. I mean, using MySpace as a plot device? And the characters are just too shallow. The dialogue seems to straight-to-TV-scripty. Give them some real good lines, you know? Some good ****ing lines that don't just give you some kind of sense of accomplishment at the end, but make you laugh a little when you write it down because it feels right. You've got to forget about the word processors and the need for a story and all your ambition and instead sit in front of some old typewriter and make mistakes. I mean, Jesus Christ, at least make it sound like you could be a great writer instead of another mediocre Times journalist.
    Mitchapaloozaa
    J.MitMetallica wrote: In response to shaggy: I don't think this is great writing, and I think perhaps most of what you said is right, although you went in a little hard at first. The only thing I disagree with is the thing you said about not saying things other than "says". Why not? Naturally, you don't want to spoon feed everyone with exact descriptions of the characters' speech, but have you ever read Arthur Miller? He's arguably one of the best writers since Shakespeare in terms of his construction and dialogue, but his stage and speech directions are so exact, that he'll sue people if they put on a performance that doesn't reflect what he imagined. Just something to think about....
    Obviously its an opinion, though one supported by many modern writers. It's the writer's perogative. But saying "says" is one of those things that the reader reads and their mind just sort of reads over. Saying things like "ponders" often make it feel clunky, to me at least. Glancing through it again, he doesn't really use verbs like that too much. Nah, I haven't read Arthur Miller. But unless Nolan's going to start suing people for reading it in a slightly different tone of voice, I don't think it needs to be that specific and hold the reader's hand. But like I said, there really aren't that many instances of it in this piece at all. Of course, every "rule" there is for writing will be broken at times and sometimes it will work and sometimes it won't. But hey, bottom line: The author will do what he wants to do. Just trying to offer something to think about.
    Azzy666
    hey there, i discovered your story yesterday and spend awhile reading them through from the 1st one and i can say ive enjoyed them. i like the whole idea and its great. all i can say is that id like to see more detail. im guessing you know where the story is going and u want to get to the tastier bits quicker, but i personally would like to see more characterization on danny. i mean, hes a stoner guy into gaming, not very social. and now he is facing a change. i would like to see more of how he thinks so that if and when he does become a good guitarist for their band, i can understand the changes in his personality he had to go through. i believe its the little things that count. anyway keep up the good work man, its good to see people writing stories like this. ive been wanting to write my own guitar story, except its going to be more fantasy where the guitar is a weapon =P hehe i think ill try reading ur 'in the van' one i breifly saw.
    Shaggy42
    Skater901 wrote: tomguitarworshi wrote: It would be kind of cool if somone made a myspace page to go along with the story, and like put the fundraiser as a concert date, and somone made some songs or something? Man I love the idea, but, it'd be hard. Maybe you and I should start talking and have a shot at it? Although it could be hard to get stuff recorded and that. Anyway, if you're interested, let's have a chat. (Y) Those critics have a right to say what they are saying. They are voicing their opinions on this work, and they are actually discussing why they think it's bad, instead of just flaming it for no reason. So I can tolerate their criticism. I don't agree with them, but at least they're giving constructive criticism. My opinion is this episode roxorz. That guitar duel was so cool!!
    Thanks, I wish some people wouldn't think us stupid for different opinions, though. I understand what that guy said about Arthur Miller. Really, the reason I got so inflamed at first was because too many people were saying they liked it uninterrupted. I coincidentally read all the comments that were totally brown-nosing the work without any apparent opinion. It was like I stepped into some kind of cult or religious following. Every religion needs criticism, though, otherwise how can you decide you truly believe it?
    rageatmxxxx
    wait, if this is dated as 2007 that means you wrote it in like december or before, so why don't you just release more of them if you have them already written?? Maybe you are trying to bring hype the article... but it's already there! Anyway this story is amazing and I check UG every day just to see if the new one is up
    jimmy8778
    ^that guy makes a point, but i am not complaining, it is still good, i think the wait is part of what makes the story good though.
    layzejerze20006
    this one is possibly one of my favorite so far. i totally felt the relaying solos when Rich and Jay improv walk this way. I totally had this badass picture in my mind of the whole thing, frieken awesome.
    Winand52
    [quote]Shaggy42 wrote: Mitchapaloozaa wrote: Shaggy42 wrote: Garb. Total garb, and I guess here I play the guy that everyone disagrees with because he's a total douche who just doesn't appreciate this fine literature. And I know that this really isn't fine literature, this isn't Twain or Bukowski or The Beat Generation. But this piece you have written is just so unspectacular. I mean, using MySpace as a plot device? And the characters are just too shallow. The dialogue seems to straight-to-TV-scripty. Give them some real good lines, you know? Some good ****ing lines that don't just give you some kind of sense of accomplishment at the end, but make you laugh a little when you write it down because it feels right. You've got to forget about the word processors and the need for a story and all your ambition and instead sit in front of some old typewriter and make mistakes. I mean, Jesus Christ, at least make it sound like you could be a great writer instead of another mediocre Times journalist. I don't disagree with you, though it's not the most helpful thing to call someone's work garbage. This is pulp stuff. It's obviously not trying (or just not able) to be meaningful in the least, or even have any sort of theme going on(besides "music is an awesome journey" or "don't be a d-bag"). You tell the reader everything. Not good. The rule for prose is show, don't tell. You just outright say exactly what each character is thinking, summarizing up their thoughts and what happens. Show what they are thinking through their actions. I want to say don't baby your audience, but to be honest I think a lot of the people who read these need to be babied. One more tip, when a character says something, just say "says." Don't say seethes, or ponders. It's awkward, and if you write it
    HurricaneSG
    this is a good read, therefore good entertainment and thats what its supposed to be!
    Skater901
    tomguitarworshi wrote: It would be kind of cool if somone made a myspace page to go along with the story, and like put the fundraiser as a concert date, and somone made some songs or something?
    Man I love the idea, but, it'd be hard. Maybe you and I should start talking and have a shot at it? Although it could be hard to get stuff recorded and that. Anyway, if you're interested, let's have a chat. (Y) Those critics have a right to say what they are saying. They are voicing their opinions on this work, and they are actually discussing why they think it's bad, instead of just flaming it for no reason. So I can tolerate their criticism. I don't agree with them, but at least they're giving constructive criticism. My opinion is this episode roxorz. That guitar duel was so cool!!
    arowana1027
    Wow, everyone's a critic. I like it. If you want to read some REAL garbage, go to the pit.