Santa 2.0: There's A Jolly St Nick For Everyone Even Emo Kids

date: 12/24/2010 category: features
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We've all heard the wretched truth about the lovable, chubby, rose-cheeked man with the pimped-out flying vehicle. And if you haven't: Big spoiler alert comin' at you. At midnight-ish on December 25, you're more likely to find your disheveled mother cussing like a sailor while wrapping that last-minute PS3 game than to espy Santa snarfing down a Snickerdoodle by the fireplace. Once reality slaps you in the face with a gory image such as this, the magic of Xmases gone by fades a little faster. However, we at believe that knowing the imperfect truth may not be such a horrible thing. In fact, it provides the perfect excuse to give Santa much-needed makeover nay makeovers. The movies, greeting card companies, and parades have perpetuated the expected image of Old St. Nick for years upon years, and well, we're just a tad bit bored at this point. Let's give Santa a little more character. Let's give Santa some originality. Let's give Santa a genre of music wonderful or wretched that he just can't go an hour without hearing. Of course, with so many choices, we figured that we'd get our jollies out of crafting a Santa for each musicals taste. These Santas are not all pretty. Most probably couldn't hold an intelligent conversation if men such as these actually walked the earth. In the end, however, would you rather opt for the red-suit-and reindeer snoozefest or a battle-axe-and-dragon-sidekick dude? I don't know about you, but a fire-breathing beast might just sell me on this Santa guy again.

Metal Santa: Staying Up Late To Spy On Him? Bring A Change Of Underwear

We present to you a man who seemed forever destined for an appearance on Metalocalypse. With his onyx sleigh of death led by what else regenerated, two-headed dragon carcasses, wielding a skull-topped battle axe, and donning coal-black eyes that cry blood over naughty children (we mean that figuratively and quite literally), Metal Santa is the kind of guy that ushers in just as much fear as joy at Xmas time. This is not to say he isn't capable of being a cool, generous guy. He's a diehard fan of Dio and ensures that every stocking is filled with Ronnie's greatest-hits CDs. You'll find him slaving away weeks before Xmas, writing personalized guitar tabs to match each recipient's taste. And if we've been truly decent boys/girls and he hasn't been overly infatuated with his latest Behemoth record, he might just forgo sacrificing the latest Mrs. Claus on an altar to Ba`al this year. What a guy.

Hair Metal Santa: Lock Up Your Daughters. Hell, Check On Those Moms As Well

Who says Santa can't live in the past? Cause this one very much does and isn't afraid to show off his Poison ticket stub collection, which he keeps on his person at all times. Much like those power balladeers that reigned supreme during the late 80s, Hair Metal Santa really does have a heart of gold despite his love of excess. In fact, he takes great care in all the preparation details for December 25. The Mrs. (a dead ringer for Pamela LeeAndersonLee? Whatever) begins by applying heavy coats of pancake foundation and an assortment of other Cover girl goodies to Hair Metal Santa, who then proceeds to squeeze into his leather pants (with or without cucumber a la Derek Smalls), pulls on a traditional Santa jacket, and hops in his Sexxx Sleigh. Everything is going peachy and fairly run-of-the-mill until it all takes a very ugly turn. That jovial oaf gets an overwhelming desire to remove the only item connecting him with Old St. Nick. Yup, off goes the Santa jacket and the just-shaved pecs are introduced to the chilly night air. He then tosses lace camis (from his own personal collection) and bottles of Maker's Mark down chimneys across the land, while collecting passably attractive women in the occasional city. As per his usual ritual, he dips into his own spirits collection, takes a rest stop on one unsuspecting family's roof, passes out, and is usually stricken by a slight case of hypothermia. Thank goodness he has a few nurses on hand for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Somewhere, Nikki Sixx is nodding his head in approval.

Jam Band Santa: In No Rush

It's cool, everybody. Jam Band Santa will get to all of youdefinitely at some point in the decade. Well, maybe. This humanitarian's gift-giving journey is never rushed and or chaotic. No, he is just relishing every stop and hoping he might even be able to crash at a few new friends' couches along the way. A Dave Matthews Band devotee whose threads could be deemed Jimmy-Buffett-beachwear-meets-slovenly-meets-generic-yuppie, Jam Band Santa lives for breaking out his favorite holiday accessory: dreads fashioned into the shape of a Santa hat (FYI: He giggles uncontrollably every time his seasonal hairdo). As far as transportation, Jam Band Santa is most certainly not going to support the unnecessary use of wild reindeer and instead opts for his rusted-out old van fueled by vegetable oil. We also need to mention that we've been hearing that, on occasion, not every girl and boy has been receiving presents. If for any reason the holiday landed on the same day as a Phish, DMB, or The String Cheese Incident show, you can expect Jam Band Santa to lose time. If you are lucky enough for him to visit your house, please note that the paper you hear rustling around in your stocking is not money. Those are brochures explaining how you can save the rainforest.

Blues Rock Santa: Please Leave Beer By The Fireplace

When you hear Run, Run, Rudolph blasting outside your window the Chuck Berry version, of course there's a good chance that the gruff gift-giver otherwise known as Blues Rock Santa has ridden into town. This particular Xmas icon is someone who will be the first to pay homage to all his heroes, whether it's Berry, Cream-era Eric Clapton, or even the original St. Nick himself. His appearance, oddly enough, does parallel the standard Santa: the white beard (well, more like premature salt-and-pepper beard from years of gigging), a rounded belly (due mostly in part to Michelob rather than mashed potatoes), and a standard red suit with '59 Les Paul in tow. In Blues Rock Santa's words: A Gibson cane make even a red velvet monkey suit look badass. When it comes down to transportation, he doesn't buy into the whole magical sleigh thing. It's all about being genuine without any bells and whistles, and his trusted Harley Davidson (lovingly named The Old Woman because Blues Santa is a confirmed bachelor who has found Jim Beam to be more enjoyable than the zipped-up-to-the-chin North Pole ladies) has never let him down. This is the only Santa that will show up at your door rather than hopping down the chimney. While Blues Santa claims this is simply an effort to keep it real, we suspect that falling from colossal heights while intoxicated might play a slightly bigger role. Oh, and if you asked for a synthesizer as your main present, you will have induced Santa into a brief moment of Tourette's. We hope you like Gibsons, synth kid.

Punk Rock Santa: Eff You

Let's be honest. You will be one of the lucky ones if you receive a visit from Punk Rock Santa. Want him to deliver you that insanely cool new Wii game? Think again. His problem with authority has extended to the point where he feels our Xmas lists are pinning him down just like The Man. We have to give Punk Rock Santa credit for living up to his end of the bargain with this whole St. Nick deal, but don't expect any favors from him. After all, he believes that it's usually the pop punk posers that are lame enough to send him a wish list. He has found enough Xmas spirit to die his mohawak in a traditional red-and-green color, but the rest of his outfit will consist of a Union Jack and/or Anarchy t-shirt and shredded-up-to-hell jeans. The man could really use a coat in retrospect. That being said, he's a loner that journeys through the night on only his Doc Martens, occasionally dropping off gifts to outcasts. Given there are only a few kids he truly feel meet this label, his travels are short and the whole no-vehicle situation works out in the end. If you don't receive anything under the tree or in your stocking from Punk Rock Santa, that doesn't mean you were ignored. In the spirit of the holiday, he just loves, loves, loves flashing the bird to any home that he looks remotely content. And he always does it with a smile.

Indie Rock Santa: The Stay-At-Home St. Nick

It's completely understandable wanting to tag along with this quirky guy when he starts making his way around the world. But don't you dare. He's got this under control. He will most certainly not change his persona to make the kids of the world happy, so you better get used to his I-look-like-the-guy-you-forgot-existed-in-high-school thing that's happening. Indie Rock Santa is relatable and definitely the go-to man when you want to get the latest video game or hip wardrobe, but it may take a little longer to receive your gifts. He has opted for the magic not found via sleigh or reindeer. No, this guy is all about the mystical power of the social networking via the Internet. So, yeah. If you really, really need that new iPad, it's time to Like Indie Rock Santa's Facebook page and send him a message. He may or may not get back to you, so in order to elicit in answer you may want to upload a new profile photopreferably one that's a hot chick.

Emo Santa: The Not-So-Jolly Guy

While Emo Santa feels the only true gift in life is to one day meet the members of Hawthorne Heights, he begrudgingly pulls himself together on Xmas Eve for those who may or may not truly know the real him. Treating his hair with the perfect amount of Clairol Blue Black #124, a dash of Manic Panic, and a Hello Kitty barrette to show he's secure with his masculinity, Emo Santa grabs his Jack Skellington t-shirt sans standard red suit (he now opts only for the Hot Topic exclusive, a reindeer-eared snow cap) and heads off into the night. This proud member of Team Jacob insists on putting a bevy of Twlight-themed paraphernalia in stockings, but what he considers to be his true gift to the world is his new book of poems titled: Meand Other Such Mistakes. It's a long journey around the world and this lil' guy is prone to fits of depression. What keeps him going? Usually a text from his lovely Miss Santa, who quotes Dashboard and attaches a photo of herself giving full-on duck face. By Amy Kelly Ultimate-Guitar.Com 2010
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