Friday Fun: UG News Report From 2035

We zap to the future to see what awaits the rock and metal world in years to come. Did your hilarious suggestion make it to the article? Find out here!

Friday Fun: UG News Report From 2035
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Welcome to 2035! Twenty-three years ago Ultimate Guitar posted an article prompting its readers to fantasize on what the future of music and guitar may look like. Many interesting things happened during these 23 years: UG has become the second most-visited website in the world (right behind the wildly popular www.porn-drone.chrom), PSY's video "Gangnam Style" has received 37.000.000.000.000 views on iTube and lots of other stuff. And, since the year of 2035 has finally come, it's nice to see whether you were right about the then-future - check out our weekly roundup of cutting-edge music, news and technology to find it out:

News

Lars Ulrich continues his bid to make music illegal after copyrighting every note and chord. "People keep playing my notes," he said, "like music is meant to be some free-for-all party. I own this. What part of copyright law don't you understand?" Lars continues to be ignored by the Occupy Music movement. Justin Bieber is a mother to octuplets! The former child pop-star-turned-surrogate-mother said her latest batch of singing babies will be ready for shipment in four weeks, a remarkable improvement on last year's eight-week shipment program. MC Hammer has finally been touched. The winner of the "Can't Touch This" challenge caught Hammer with a casual high five. A rare fail from the frail but legendary rapper who went quadruple platinum-gold alloy with his "Best Of" hit single in 2032. Talking of rappers who first hit the scene in the last millennium, Vanilla Ice has been nominated for the Rock And Roll And Spin And Duck Hall Of Fame. Ice has been eligible for the ceremony since 2017, but has been snubbed every year. "It's long been established as a popularity contest, but I'll do it for the fans," he said.

New Music

Speculation surrounding Guns N' Roses forthcoming album "Chinese Democracy II" continues. Despite pre-orders being available for a staggering 22 years, the album appears no closer to completion despite its original lineup with both Slash and Axl Rose reforming and then splitting again, twice, in the interim. Regardless, UG will update readers on its progress every single day. Thom Yorke is preparing to release "Old A", a remix of the classic Radiohead album "Kid A" but with his trademark elderly crooning. Andrew WK will follow his 2033 album "Party Hardest" with the new "Party Harderest". Fans accuse Andrew of rehashing themes from his popular previous albums "Part Hard" and "Party Harder".

Technology

The playable air guitar remains the top-selling item in the lead up to Christmas, though the company Air4Realz who develop the product say a black market in retro wooden guitars (which were previously banned due to illegal wood trading back in 2012) is affecting their sales, and in turn, the entire economy.

Tours

Tickets for The Rolling Stones 25th Annual Farewell Tour will go on sale from next Tuesday, to coincide with the release of "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!". Ultimate Guitar will soon offer tickets to its fifth live event, "UG Slams..." next week. As usual, musicians will talk about their hopes and dreams before UG brings on their peers to tear apart everything they've been working towards. One Erection has cancelled a tour of small alleyways after demand was lower than expected.

Charts

Summary: Spoken word metal continues to dominate the chart, though a resurgence in the popularity of "Lulu" by Metallica and Lou Reed is expected to prompt a retro resurgence of music from around 2012. The album was initially overlooked, but after decades of Lou Reed explaining himself, the reality of this record became clear - it's no wonder the album is promoting a revolution. In fact, Table costumes have sold out in stores nationwide, though one source suggests they've all been bought by James Hetfield. Check out this week's Avantgarde Nu-Polka Top-5: 1. "100110011000" by Unit 387
 2. "Circuit Board Lover" by Sexy Sexbot
 3. "D1g1t4l 4ff41r" by Audio B0t 7 4. "Plug it in" by Hal 36k 5. "Digital Ghetto" by xDigital Gangstax That's the end of today's roundup. Keep sharing your news tips in the comments!

115 comments sorted by best / new / date

comments policy
    KeinanM
    It is good to see that UG has no problem making fun of itself
    mastodude13
    This is awesome. I love the part about MC Hammers quadruple platinum gold alloy "best of" SINGLE.
    rokr258
    I'm genuinely afraid to click the porn drone link
    brndnstffrd
    So whos going to man up and take on for the team?
    Nerejo
    That link isn't that dangerous, so don't give up on it, it won't let you down. So stop running around and deserting this site, cause you might make us cry and you'll have to say goodbye. Trust me, this is not a lie, cause I would never hurt you
    alex94kumar
    In 2035: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is renamed: The Critic's Hall of Popular Music
    rjaylaf
    That wood ban in 2012 part was beautiful addition.
    Nero Galon
    I am so going to come back to this page in 2035! It will be scary as half of this will actually happen knowing how the industry is going haha.
    brndnstffrd
    I love that HAL mention and the part about James Hetfield made me chuckle, and also gave me an idea of a Halloween costume, either dress up like a table and tell people that im Hetfield, or dress like Hetfield and say im a table.
    Long Distance
    Go as Hetfield. Then when people ask you what you're dressed as, look em dead in the eyes and say "I AM THE TABLE!" with you deepest possible voice!
    British_Steal
    Despite pre-orders being available for a staggering 22 years, the album appears no closer to completion despite its original lineup with both Slash and Axl Rose reforming and then splitting again, twice, in the interim. Regardless, UG will update readers on its progress every single day. LMAO that got me laughin
    loungeact88
    What happened to "It's the End of the Week as We Know it" part 5 bajillion? I miss Zach's hungover yet totally coherent writing style!
    Darth Wader
    The only thing this article was missing was Wyld Stallyns. I thought that was pretty funny.
    jamie_hough
    I cant wait for the year 2035 when I'll no doubt still be reading this website and they link back to this article.