10 Signs You're a Metal Troll

Are you a metal troll? Find out inside.

Ultimate Guitar

So a few days ago we presented you with an awesome guide on how to be a jerk guitar player, but in order to become a bonafide UG troll, you should master the art of metal trolling as well.

That's where Metal Hammer jumps to the rescue with their latest 10-step guide for becoming a metal troll. Apart from the signs noted below, you might wanna consider checking out the UG Facebook page. We love you guys, but some of the comments occasionally posted there are as chowderheaded as they can get. So on to the list!

10 Signs You're a Metal Troll

1. You devise witheringly satirical, sub-MAD Magazine-style names for bands you don't like, such as Wimperor, Dummy Burger, Children of Boredom, Arse Enema, DragonFarce, Manowank, Metallicrap, Cradle of S-ite, S-itewish etc. If you're truly a Grade A Metal Troll you might even add some of these as entries on Urbandictionary.com.

2. You use imaginary, spurious and derisive generic categories for bands you don't like (or, more likely, for bands you don't like the look of, especially their hairstyles) and proceed to use them as default criticisms in lieu of argument in forum threads about bands you haven't really heard. Particular favorite terms might include "mallcore," "brocore" or "hipster metal" - the latter especially useful for describing any bands that have more than 500 likes on Facebook.

3. Your minuscule sense of self-worth is fractionally inflated on being the first person to join a tribute thread to a recently deceased metal legend and call them either a "fag" or a "poser."

4. You moan about how much you hate the trendy patched denim jackets that you were happy to wear a few years ago when you thought they were frightfully kvlt, before James Hetfield and Robb Flynn started wearing theirs, without noticing that you're simply following fashion from the opposite perspective - same reason you stopped collecting tapes when you read about how hipsters were wearing Walkmans ironically.

5. You start a Facebook page to proclaim your hatred for fans of a faintly successful band or genre based solely on fictional motivations that you've lazily ascribed to people you've never actually met. Extra points if you've written something sarcastic in Impact font and superimposed it onto a photograph, or drawn a cartoon caricature of someone you didn't like the look of at a Kreator concert.

6. You do your most profound elitist posturing while sitting alone at your computer in your pants stained with semen and tears.

7. Your favorite bands haven't released an album you like for 20+ years, although you only heard those for the first time a few years ago when you ripped them off a Blogspot.

8. You campaign to have any bands with neck tattoos removed from Metalarchives.com.

9. You create multiple usernames to back yourself up in forum arguments like "A7X is gay," "Dream Theater is gay" and multiple casually homophobic variations on "that band you all like is actually rubbish, not good like you think, aaahh."

10. You initially loathed Babymetal with a passion, and spent more time raging against any mention of them on the internet than most of their fans have ever spent listening to their music (being both female and Japanese, they presented a particularly easy target for the sort of people who like to spout racist misogyny to get themselves noticed) you're beginning to realize that you could annoy more people and appear more interesting by claiming to like them.

So, are you a metal troll? Let us know in the comments.

95 comments sorted by best / new / date

    11. Clicks a Ultimate-Guitar.com link for no reason but to insult Ultimate-Guitar.com “Not another article they’ve nicked! Who the hell runs this joint Milli Vanilli???”
    Well... I gess im a troll... pleese dont ban me UG!
    No KerryKing01, you can stay. You've earned your keep.
    How did Kerry not get banned yet? Not saying I think he should be banned.. It's just that I once got banned for like a month for making an innocent otter joke.
    Please tell me, I must know now...
    I don't remember the context, but I somebody blamed somebody else for being an "utter douchebag", and I replied with "otter douchebag?" This motivated other people to insert more "creative" puns.
    UG really risked alienating a large portion of their commenting users with this one.
    Pppffftt. This isn't a real troll guide. This is a troll guide for POSERS. (Sarcasm)
    Wet Dream Theater Hand Job for a Cowboy Shitknot Dildo-ger Escape Plan Between the Buffet and Me Perifurry Necro-gay-gist Pansy-tera Bolt Blower Twat the Gates Grope-eth
    Killshit And Gay Mangives Head Cult of Lunatics Gay Tranquillity Soilmypantswork Handjob Sevenfold (meh I know) Alter Frigid Tools Testaman Queens of the slow age Protest the hetero Porcupine piss Parkway Crash kame-a-lot You're welcome and I'm sorry
    Absolute Rock-O
    ThreeSum 41 Defthong Porn (Korn) Slipknuts Creep Mark Tremontits Dead Letter Cir**** Green Dick The Smashing Pumpkunts Cobus Potgayter Black Sabbitch Less Than Jizz Butt Religion Dir En Gay Steel Panties Hoobastink Rise Agaynst My Gaymical Bromance Incuboobs Nine Inch Nipples A Perfect Jerkcircle System Of A Down Syndrome Limp Bitchzkit Shither Puddle Of Cum Red Gimpsuit Apparatus Billy Thallent Bidet For My Valentine Drowning Poop Three Gays Grace A Gay To Remember Bush
    Syndrome of a Downs. lol My friends joked about that just tonight. My favorite band though. Hahaha
    11 - You hate Pale Communion & Heritage, and you post EVERYFUCKINGWHERE about how much Opeth sucks now You guys should take a look at Metalarchives! It's pure genuine GOLD! Try not to laugh!
    This article seems like it was written by someone who got trolled hard and hasn't gotten over it.
    nice use of BABYMETAL to get the trolls riled up (personally I love them)
    I scored 2/10. Slipwank Metallipish Pissturbed/Disturd Five Finger Hand Shandy Slayturd Pantsthrax Dragonfud I'll stop now.
    11. You make youtube videos about why metal is superior to rap using nothing but default text from movie maker.
    DUMMY BURGER??!? Even though I love Dimmu Borgir that is one of the greatest things i've ever heard
    This is stupid.
    Yup. This is worse than any number of articles UG posted about a GnR reunion.
    Something tells me that: 1. You both related to a lot of these points, therefor the article is shit, because you realise it's taking the pics out of who you are as a person. Or 2. You guys don't have a great sense of humor.
    Well, I think this is the day I stop using Ultimate-Guitar. I don't get why all these anti-elitists don't realize, they're being elitists themselves by not liking the old school metal and only thinking modern shit is good.
    You know, it's possible to like both new AND old metal. Crazy, right? In fact, did you know that a lot of metalheads also enjoy completely different kinds of music, that aren't even metal, classic or otherwise? It's huge news, I know. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.
    I've met ten times more people who hate the oldschool and only like modern than I have people who like both. Usually those who claim to like both hardly ever go deeper into metal than just gateway bands. I can see the appeal of the modern sound to some, but it's not for me in the least bit.
    Way to generalize...I like metal, old and new. Maiden/Metallica/Megadeth to A7X/Bullet For My Valentine/Trivium.
    So because he mostly listens to bands with some form of mainstream success, he loses all credibility? Yet by listening to bands most people aren't even sure are real, he suddenly can be taken seriously? Ex) person one: "Im an a7x fan." Person two: "more like a7x fag!!! Fleeing the Temple is a thousand times better than avenged shitfold!!"
    Yeah! I thought I was the only one who loves F.T.T.! Those mothers are the nastiest! I once went to school with a dude whose dad's step sister married a guy who played baseball against one of their roadies in '84. Charity game. I'm pretty sure robots were involved too. So Fokking metal! Fleeing the Temple lives on!
    I think you missed the part that said 'Metal Hammer jumps to the rescue with their latest 10-step guide for becoming a metal troll.' Great job reading, bro
    JD Close
    For sure, and I get the feeling that this is written by someone whose favorite band is not generally accepted on the internet. Not saying his taste is bad, but that there's an undeniable passive aggressive undertone. The best thing to do is avoid the topic of trolling or genre disputes. Nowadays, simply by entering the discussion you are seen as a troll. $40 says the writer is 16 or under.
    Guys... We've just witnessed the moment a person realizes that they've actually been a metal troll this whole time... beautiful.
    Troll doesn't mean unpopular opinion or even popular opinion. It means pretending or exagerating to mess with others online.
    Wow, an UG article that is actually written well :3
    Thank Metal Hammer. They wrote it. On that note, don't blame UG for their poorly written articles, either. Blame whatever other site wrote them. Then blame UG for shamelessly stealing them.
    Second Rate
    The author got trolled, so he wrote this article. He gave the troll the exact reaction he,she,it was hoping for, but on a much more visible scale.
    "Particular favorite terms might include "mallcore," "brocore" or "hipster metal" - the latter especially useful for describing any bands that have more than 500 likes on Facebook." Any of these terms could also be used to describe any of the 50 million crappy, interchangeable metalcore albums being reviewed by 22 year olds on UG at any given moment.