Steel Panther's 10 Tips for Reaching Metal Glory: 'Don't Listen to Fakers, Get a Rich Girlfriend, Don't Just Play Fast'

Also, listen to Rush, everybody knows Rush.

Ultimate Guitar

Guitarist Satchel of spoof glam rockers Steel Panther has recently shared his 10 tips for reaching metal glory, giving a surprisingly legit set of advices for all the up-and-coming rockers out there.

The axeman decided to share his wisdom with Music Radar, so without further ado, check it all out below.

1. Don't Listen to Fakers

"Nowadays, it's great because you can get free lessons from anybody on YouTube. You've got to sift through all the dudes who are faking it. That is a minefield. Don't take any lessons from me because I'm faking it. You've got to like certain dudes and the way they play, and you'll gravitate to playing like that."

2. Find a Rich Girlfriend

"As a guitarist, you need to make sure you date a rich girl who is willing to give you money. Or you could date a stripper. They spend a lot of money, but they can go out and make a lot of money. That'll give you the money to buy new strings and guitar picks."

3. Find Bandmates Who Will Obey

"You should hang out with musicians who are more experienced than you. Join a band with dudes who are older, because you'll be the worst one in the band, and it’ll force you to get better quickly.

"Eventually, you don't want to be in a band with dudes who are above you; you want to be in a band with dudes that take orders from you. I'll say, 'You, play this note here, that note there, don't change it, don't f--k around. You're not Victor Wooten on the bass; you're Lexxi Foxx - just ride the E on the chorus.' Lexxi has had the same two high strings on his bass for 30 years because he's never touched them."

4. Don't Just Play Fast

"I remember thinking I had to play fast all the time. Then I thought, 'In my car, do I put on 'Back in Back' or 'Rising Force' by Yngwie Malmsteen?

"It's always Back In Black, because it rocks and it's simple. Music is all about the tunes. Get a metronome. Do not neglect the metronome - that is very important. Never go faster than what you can do clean, because it'll be hard to get out of the habit. You'll start to get sloppy.

"It's more fun to listen to someone playing slow and articulating it well than listening to someone playing fast for no reason. It's fun to play fast, it's fun to shred, but the older I get, the more I realize that it's better to do that in short bursts every once in a while. The slower it is, the easier it is for the average listener to digest."

5. Listen to Rush

"Lately I've been listening to Alex Lifeson from Rush. He's great. He's got a great tone. It's not heavy metal, it's more progressive rock, but everybody knows Rush. He's a great guitar player. Jeff Beck is great, he's not heavy metal but he's a great player with a really cool tone. He can do a lot with just one note and make it sound really cool."

6. Write Hooks

"When you write a song, you want to have hooks everywhere - the vocals, the riffs, melodies, the drum parts. You want to be unpredictable, but at the same time you don't want it to have too many parts. It needs to be simple and to get people engaged as a listener. That is hard.

"A band like Black Sabbath managed to do that. They repeated a lot of parts. On the surface the guitar line and vocals are doing the same thing, but the parts and the way they're arranged are brilliant."

7. Wear Comfortable Strides

"Make sure you're comfortable in whatever pants you're wearing. Sometimes if you go on stage and you’re not comfortable in your pants, then you’re going to just think about your pants the whole show.

"You'll be thinking, 'Oh, s--t, my dick looks small in these pants,' and before you know it, you've hit a wrong note. Use in-ear monitors as well because the drummer will always make you deaf."

8. Shock Your Audience

"Jessica Simpson was one of the worst guests we've had come up and sing with us. I don't know if she was drunk or what, but she couldn't sing and she was cross-eyed. She still looked hot though.

"The strangest guest we ever had was this transvestite who got on stage one time and performed fellatio on him/herself. It was a packed house at the Roxy in Hollywood, and I saw 1,000 jaws drop at once. That was strange but sexy."

9. Make Your Solo Count

"When I'm recording, I like to hear solos that make the song better. There's a lot of solos on a lot of records that make you go, 'Why did they put this solo in there?'

"I would say that is true of the majority of solos that I hear. A solo should be a like a vocal part; it should be melodic and take the song somewhere else. I like to construct solos, but then I also like to improvise them.

"I'll leave room for improvisation in my solos when I'm recording them. I'll hum a solo in my head before I play it. The solo is a break from the vocal, and it has to take you somewhere cool, [or] else what is the point? There are bands out there where you know you'll have to fast-forward past the solo."

10. Get a Back-Up Trade

"It's easy to stay grounded today, because even if you're the biggest band in the world you'll only sell about 12,000 records.

"Just remember that the Starbucks application is right around the corner. It's always possible to not be on tour and fail at this. When we get off this tour, I'll go back to delivering pizzas.

"That's solid work because people love pizza, and they can't download pizza for free, so most people will pay for pizza. It's a solid business. Plus, you don't need to write a new pizza every year; you just follow the same old recipe. That’s a great piece of advice for all musicians: Learn to make good pizzas because that's a good back-up career."

So there you have it, nothing but words of wisdom from Mr. Satchel. Let us know what you think in the comments.

28 comments sorted by best / new / date

    Some of these are actually decent tips.
    Yeah... I was super surprised! Number 2 is especially good advice for ANYONE
    Yeah, I expected it all to be jokes. And most of it was, but like the backup career thing. That makes sense.
    Yeah, I was expecting it to just be jokes all the way through, but a fair few of these are legitimately good tips to give to anyone.
    "and they can't download pizza for free." One day.
    3D food printers, life would never be the same again - heavy breathing -
    Star Trek called it, so we might see it inevitably.
    pizza...extra cheese/extra sauce/pepperoni/mushrooms/ marinara dipping cheesy garlic bread-sticks...toasted...warm. chicken 2L of pepsi...cold.
    As much as Steel Panther d*cks around they really are great musicians and this is some good advice. "You'll be thinking, 'Oh, s--t, my dick looks small in these pants,' and before you know it, you've hit a wrong note." Now that's real truth.
    I've never thought that but I have had rich girlfriends. Very important. Keep in mind you'll usually only get 3 pieces of good gear a year. Anniversary, birthday and xmas. They may try to take you out to dinner for the anniversary... make sure you eat a lot before and compliment their clothes but not looks and DONT EAT A THING. If you do dinner will be the gift. Otherwise they'll feel horrible (and insecure that you only complemented their style, not physique). Then you get the guilt stricken, want to go to guitar center to look around.
    "Plus, you don't need to write a new pizza every year; you just follow the same old recipe." Loved that one. ^ But plenty of popular bands also succeed with the same old recipe each "pizza" as well. =/ Nothing wrong with trying a Buffalo Chicken Pizza/Record or a Spinach Ricotta Pizza/Record... I lost track of what I was talking about. I like pizza and music.
    Number 5's the best tip for any guitarist. Alex Lifeson is the most criminally underrated guitarist ever - La Villa straingato proves that.
    I was actually surprised at how good of advice a lot of these are
    "You should hang out with musicians who are more experienced than you. Join a band with dudes who are older, because you'll be the worst one in the band, and it’ll force you to get better quickly." this is especially true. one of my first bands was playing with my dad and his friends(who are now some of my best friends). they needed a bass player, and i was a starting guit player then, so my bass skills were dad bought me a bass and amp, and although i was intimidated at first, they had the patience for me to get good with them. and since they were seasoned musicians, it helped me out so much and advanced me at playing well fairly quickly and play at their lvl. within a year or so i had all sorts of people coming up to me and praising my playing, and bands wanting me to fill in for gigs often enough. i did put my time tho, and aspired to play to match, but it did loads of good and i'm very thankful to had the opportunity to learn from experienced players.