The Worst Thing That Could Happen in 2014

If any of these things happen and we have to report them, it will be a sorry day for the Ultimate Guitar news section.

Ultimate Guitar

What are the most unbearable things that could possible happen over the next year?

We always have fun reading your hilarious answers to joke polls like this, and as usual, you had the Ultimate Guitar team in stitches. We can only hope these dreadful scenarios don't happen in real life, where it might not be so funny.

If you have other ideas for things that rock fans really don't want to happen in 2014, share them in the comments below. We'll be reading every entry.

10. Geoff Tate wins the rights to the Queensryche name

The former long-time Queensryche frontman Geoff Tate was kicked out of the lineup back in 2012, but he tried to take the band name with him. The result was two different bands releasing an album under the Queensryche banner while they battle out ownership in court. Looks like UG readers have sided with the full lineup version who currently sing with Todd La Torre, but we haven't heard the full trial where each side will have a more balanced view of matters. We'll find out the result of the case in January.

9. Kanye West puts out a metal album

Kanye West was so lost and confused with his new album that he crawled to legendary rap and metal producer Rick Rubin to save it two weeks before it was due for completion. That's how incapable the guy is by himself. So imagine, if you will, what it would sound like if the Kanye, A.K.A. the most delusional man in the world released a metal album.

(Actually, with Rubin at the helm, that might sound pretty damn good.)

8. Courtney Love opening her mouth or being allowed near a keypad

Courtney is always outspoken, and her opinion is sure to rile even the most passive rock fan. It's not just her comments in person; she's been known to appear in the comment section of articles that criticise her, with drunken posts defending her actions like a kid denying that they just peed on the floor. While standing in a puddle.

7. Any Black Sabbath member dies

On a serious note, guitarist Tony Iommi has been receiving cancer treatment and we hope he sees a full recovery. The surprise mainstream success of Black Sabbath's new album "13" has spurred them on to potentially write another record, and it would be tragic to lose any of them before they get a chance to release their 20th studio album.

6. Black Veil Brides, Asking Alexandria, and Falling In Reverse main stage Warped Tour

This could really happen. It's okay, guys - there are flights to war zones where you can relax while the audio apocalypse happens when this tour crosses the US. (Only kidding - everyone to their own tastes, eh? Just, not to the tastes of UG readers, it seems.)

5. Metallica delay their album to do an album with Yoko Ono

Stranger things have happened. Like "Lulu."

4. Tool delays their new album once again, and release it with Half Life 3

Every self-respecting fan loves Tool, but they don't love watching all their cells replicate and die while waiting for the band to write an additional two bars of music towards the new record. It's been at least six years since their last effort, and some Tool fans have even felt the need to listen to other bands. It's getting tough for them. Tool, if you're reading, please help them.

3. Megadeth release a biblical inspired concept album about Obama being the one who ordered the killing of Jesus

Didn't this already happen? It's getting hard to tell.

2. Lars' "St. Anger" snare returns

People joke about the awful snare on "St. Anger," but the fact is, that snare has had a rough time. Lar's aggressive drumming style left the snare's ego battered, and Metallica fired the snare from the band in 2004. It was left to crawl through bars looking for cheap booze and loose women, but neither ultimately satisfied the snare's ambition to feel loved. Things picked up for the snare in 2009 when it found God at a summer camp, and now it's preparing a comeback on the next Miley Cyrus record "Bangerz 2: Hard & Fast." How fitting.

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1. Kerry King is the only original member of Slayer

Just think: THIS COULD REALLY HAPPEN. And you know Kerry would probably try it. This dude went from being one of the coolest guys in metal to being such an overtly shrewd businessman that it would make an onion's eyes water.

That's the full list of things that we really hope don't happen in 2014 - and trust us, we really don't want any of them to happen.

Have you thought of something dreadful which might happen next year? Share it below, so we can all help to ward it away from reality.

130 comments sorted by best / new / date

    As a gamer and a musician that Tool/Half-Life 3 was damn funny.
    A friend and I have begun a bet on which would drop first. Regardless of who wins, Social Security is probably going to be the one paying.
    Even though the waiting would be horrendous, it would be a pretty cool pairing up!
    'some Tool fans have even felt the need to listen to other bands' haha this made me laugh
    Welcome to the new Tool album. After over 6 years in development, hopefully it will have been worth the wait.
    I laughed my ass off. Also I laughed because Maynard James Keenan reminds me of Kevin Spacey in Seven
    m4ss3 m/
    Justin Bieber doesn't retire after all. Edit: Aaaand, UG just reported that the whole retirement thing was a joke. Damn..
    I want an Audioslave reunion and for golden earring to do a US tour! Seriously, that would be cool!
    +1000! Golden Earing still tour through Europe. Hoping for you they'll come to the US again sometime.
    Sorry but it has to be said... TERRIBLE ARTICLE. The worst thing that could happen in 2014 might be related to Slayer's band lineup????? Wow, world might end if that happens, what will we ever do? get a life people.
    I think "worst music-related thing" was sorta assumed. Not to mention, it's entirely a joke article.
    I didn't find it very funny, and I tried.
    Lighten up, kid! "Get a life people." Really? You got upset over an Ultimate Guitar joke article. You're the one who needs to get a life, buddy!
    Dude, from your Strokes picture I can tell you have good taste. This article was terrible and not funny at all
    Sorry SkinnyWhiteBoy, but there is no "kid" here... I have a life, thats why I prefer not wasting my time reading so called "joke" articles. When your all grown up, you might understand.
    Then I have a big, big question for you... Why the hell did you read it? If you're a big kid, you should know by now whether or not UG articles do anything for you. Either they do, or they don't. There's no in between. At this point I'm laughing at the bandwagoning going on (miley cyrus this, dave mustaine that), you're just griping in the comments.
    When I'm all grown up? My profile is 8 years old, and is probably closer in age to you than I am. You obviously don't have a life. Not just once, but twice now you've come back to an article that you didn't like, just to see if anyone had anything to say. Your original comment held no context to the comment it was a reply to, so obviously you only replied to N3WW4V3N1NJ4 because it was the first post and you wanted your comment to be seen. I keep replying to you because I actually like these stupid little articles, even if they're not funny. It's the thought that counts this time of year. UG was trying to add to the whimsical nature of the holiday season by writing a little joke article for its userbase and you're trying to be a little shit about it. Seriously, why are you trying to make the staff at UG feel bad at this time of year? These guys have brought me a database for quality tabs since I first started playing guitar when I was 13 years old. On top of that, a message board that has helped me touch base with more experienced guitar players who have helped guide me in the right direction on countless occasions. You can't just slam UG like that, man... It ain't right... Anyways... Merry Christmas to all, and a big thank you to the staff at ultimate-guitar!
    Christmas spirit at its finest right here. Merry xmas ****ers. Dashing through the comments A shitstorm holds sway And we go through those moments Downvoting all the way Curse words the comments bring This is one hell of a night Is there anything funnier Than a good internet fight? Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!
    The most hilarious part is when I got you to spend your Christmas holidays typing that last comment, and I couldn't be bothered to read it.
    Also, there's no way you spent your time coming back to this article 3 days later and scrolling all the way down just to not read the comment. lol You just want to act like you're too cool for the internet when really, all you do is spend all your time on it. That's WHY you try to act like you don't spend all your time on it. I got you, buddy. Yeah.
    The Spoon
    But you clearly read this joke article...and you're wasting your time further by leaving negative comments. Very enthralling life you have, eh?
    LOL Wow... Man, you seriously need to lighten up and enjoy the little things. You may technically be an adult but you obviously don't have a real life to speak of because you're seriously getting upset over a joke article on a website, and attempting to make other people feel bad about themselves just for enjoying the article. Seriously man, you do need to get a life. lol
    Scrolling all the way down? Its one of the first comments, son. I came back on here because my email told me a very gay little white boy came on here and replied to my intelligent comment. Not sure what the big deal is. Anyway, you should all wipe away those tears that I caused you to shed, and get on with your life. When you guys are all grown up, you might understand my comments. If you need any extra assistance, ask your kindergarden teacher, they will dumb it down for ya.
    Not trying to pick a fight here, but... it's funny because you use "gay" as a derogatory term and then talk about maturity. Oh boy, I love UG.
    For how much people shit on Lars, he actually seems like a pretty cool guy in that video.
    ...Why is there a picture of Jacoby Shaddix from Papa Roach where a picture of Andy Six should be? xD
    11: Beiber: "I was joking about retirement, I want to make an album about my breakup with Miley Cyrus"
    Don't even think about it, UG. Even with Rick Rubin at the helm, the mere thought of a metal record from Kanye West makes me cringe.
    I know it's not rock, but, no matter how much you hate the dude, you must admit that he's a damn good musician. Otherwise he wouldn't be on most people's year end lists-
    While Kanye is definitely a little socially retarded, it's pretty thick-headed to say he's incapable and came crawling to Rubin for help; musically, he's incredible. I know this is a rock website and a lot of people here have a hard time appreciating other genres, but even if you don't like other kinds of music, let's all try to have a bit more respect for them.
    Look, it's not that we can't appreciate other genres. I love rap, actually. It's just Kanye is an extremely mediocre rapper who (just in my opinion) hasn't put out anything decent since Graduation. If that's your standard for rap, you need to look for more. I will admit he's a really good producer, though (which is why the whole Rick Rubin thing confused me). If only he'd stay on that side of the glass.
    You're right, he's an excellent producer but not a particularly good rapper. He doesn't claim to be one though, just a hip hop artist. And while Graduation was stellar, I love all of his records. If you're looking for a rapper, try Eminem.
    Exactly, Kanye is a much better artist but Eminem is the more technical rapper. It's like comparing Billy Corgan to Yngwie Malmsteen, sure Malmsteen has technical ability, but Corgan's music is much better and more listenable.
    I'm in the same that I think he's an amazing producer but a terrible lyricist. I could probably listen to a instrumental of Power all day.
    'Yeezus' was excellent musically, just poor lyrically. A lot of it was inspired by 90s industrial rock/metal, so a metal album wouldn't be out of the question.
    Kanye could probably kill a metal album in all honesty. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is pure genius, and it's a big departure from his previous work.
    He really is a great lyricist when he wants to be, listen to Gorgeous or Jesus Walks. Also, Power has more depth than you think, pay attention to the bridge at the end, it flips the entire meaning of the song.
    No, Kanye is NOT "incredible". If he's good at anything it's at being marketable AKA he's good at being sold to people who don't know any better. You're not alone, lots of musicians and people who are otherwise pretty bright have been fooled into thinking that Kanye West makes good music or is a "good producer". It's all BS.
    This is classic UG. "I don't think someone is good, therefore everyone else has simply been fooled. It's definitely everyone else and not me that has the problem."
    No, you're wrong, he's good at creating 6 perfect albums and completely changing the landscape of an entire genre for the better.
    "Perfect" according to whom? One of the reasons that I love music and art in general is that none if it can even be measured as being something like "perfect". Just uttering something like that about a piece of art makes you sound programmed or like you're regurgitating an ad or a review. Also, what genre did he redefine for the better? I feel like he's sucked the soul out of hip hop and made it sound like a mindless commercial made by an overgrown baby for the sole purpose of advertising his sick and kinda sad ego. If people like it, cool, but not everyone does.
    matteo cubano
    i saw the yeezus tour. one of the most impressive visual shows i've ever seen. but ya we is very musically creative too. but as a person he sucks
    Dude, it was probably the greatest thing I have ever seen. I don't care if I get down votes, I've had more fun at Death Grips and Kanye concerts than I have any rock concerts.
    anyone whos heard his latest single and seen the video would disagree with him being musically incredible. that song was about as musical as Yoko Ono screeching behind Chuck Berry. Alot of the people here are actually quite respectful towards genuinely good rappers as seen on recent rap articles on this site. But its pretty hard to say the same for him. College dropout was decent though.
    Totally agree, this article is pretty bull. Not a huge hip-hop rap guy but Kanye has produced all of his albums, why would he need Rubin to "save" it? Garbage, great producer, mediocre rapper, great artist.
    The worst thing would be Ian Watkins being released or acquitted for some ridiculous reason. And for the record, Kanye West is a very competent producer.
    Almost all metal related. I know this list was chosen by the voters, but I really wish UG could focus on other guitar music besides metal.
    Sure, but usually the most epic type of guitar is metal, shred, speed, thrash, power, deep crunching riffs...other awesome guitar stuff.
    I'm pretty sure that Black Veil Brides/Asking Alexandria/Falling In Reverse headlining a tour is worse than Kerry King getting rid of Tom Araya...
    Yey, my Geoff Tate suggestion made it in! Also, I repeat what I said about Kerry King saying he'd quit Slayer if Tom didn't want to continue. I still think we're going a little OTT with villainising him.
    I think the worst thing that could happen in '14, is UG continuing it's abysmal articulation.
    Great article, I've seen s bunch of these lists getting botched by some pretty mediocre writing but to whomever made this one: I feel inclined to tip my fedora
    6 is one of the more likely things to happen, but let's hope not
    ltd v100
    its already happend asking was on the main stage in 2011, falling was on the main stage 2012, n bvb were on the main stage this year
    Also if Lemmy passed, that would ****ing suck. There's been so many deaths in metal this year already.
    Am i the only one that could think a thrash metal conceptual album about obama ordering christ' death could be pretty epic, sure the message would get dave hardcore negatitvity, but just layer it like books of the bible I: The Gathering II: The acceptance of Blacks III: The planning IV: The crucifixtion V: the creation of buttsecks Throw in some broderick sweeps, ellefson and mustaine riffs and drover doing well whatever, maybe a couple trumpets, accordians and itd rock
    At least Lars has a sense of humor about it, I always do that when I jam on my buddies drumkit just to mess with him, then I start playing the typical lars ulrich 8th note snare thrash beat.
    Worst of the worst for me: David Gilmour or Roger Waters die (like Rick Wright in 2006)
    So Kanye isn't the best, but that was beyond ignorant, and sounded like an angry 13 year old wrote it. Typical "rap sux, metal only" bullshit.
    Exactly, the man doesn't even have a bad song in his catalogue and released a phenomenal and far from mainstream album this year.
    ''Actually, with Rubin at the helm, that might sound pretty damn good.'' Rubin fukin sucks..
    Rubin's awesome, ever heard Blood Sugar Sex Magix? If you're referring to the Death Magnetic thing, that's not Rubin's fault, it's Ted Jensen's fault (whose name was conveniently excluded from the liner notes)
    He WAS great, nowadays hes the one of the worst producers in metal bussiness
    I honestly never got the love for Blood Sugar Sex Magik . . . it's an incredibly uneven album with a very boring sound. If you want proof of Rubin being great, cite Stadium Arcadium. Or even better, cite the Mars Volta's De-Loused in the Comatorium or any of the work he did with Johnny Cash's material.
    "Kanye, A.K.A. the most delusional man in the world" Yeah, no. Kanye could shit in a box and sell it for a million dollars. The fact that no one here likes his raps does not make him delusional.
    How dare you mentioning this about Sabbath?
    I don't say how dare, but i think that joke wasn't funny either. Or even not joking, the life of another human being is worth way more than their work.
    As per UG usual I knew there would be a steady feed of Metallica, Kerry King, and Dave Mustaine bashing. By the way, Kerry King said if Araya quit, it would be the end of Slayer.
    Also Lemmy might die
    Lemmy will probably outlive all of us.
    and our kids
    And their kids
    and even their grandkids.
    and even their great grandkids
    Lemmy IS GOD! Remember? So he can't die since he is immortal.
    Is Lemmy the guy on UG whose profile picture is that girl groping her ass?
    The answer to that is the same for how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. The world may never know....
    Not even speaking out of hate here, Ifeel a realistic 2014 news article would be "Ian Watkins Brutally Beaten To Death In Prison".
    Love how the writer of the article made Lars' snare drum turn out to be a booze dripping slut.
    My opinion on worst thing: any other member of The Grateful Dead (Phil, Bobby) passing away or Bob Dylan. Or all three. or Paul McCartney and Ringo. or all of them.
    This may sound disrespectful, but these men have their legacies sealed. They put out a tome of music that will, along with them, be remembered forever. I find it would be ultimately more tragic if a young artist would be killed before reaching their full potential.
    I don't get the tragedy of Sabbath not recording their 20th album. It's not because I wouldn't want more, or wouldn't be sad if one of the members passed. Its just ridiculous to count Sabbath albums by referring to the next one (if they make one) as the 20th Sabbath album. Sure they're under the Sabbath name, but really does anyone consider all 19 Sabbath albums to be one big happy family? I'm sure Ozzy doesn't see the next one at the 20th. Even Geezer wasn't on all 19. They're really just a series of different bands all under the same name. Bands change members, but the Ozzy era is on its own. 13 was really the 9th album from this version of Sabbath, even though it sucks that Bill wasn't apart of it. No one referred to 13 as the 19th Sabbath album.
    I think 13 would be a perfect finale for the beast that is Black Sabbath. It even ends where Black Sabbath begins so it'd just be awkward to have another after it.