In a recently posted archive piece from Classic Rock, Zakk Wylde shared a few hilarious stories from over the years.
First up, his wildest Ozzy story:
"The old man is fuckin' hysterical. I worship the ground he walks on. I was meant to be with him - lions hang out with lions, you know? The comedy never ends.
"The funniest story from my time with the old man is probably when we threw a fuckin' TV out the fuckin' window. It was me, Ozzy and Robert Trujillo, sitting up in a Prague hotel room at 3 AM. We'd just played to about 60,000 people and we're getting fuckin' loaded. This was when Ozzy was still drinking, so Pops is fuckin' shit-faced and we're all fucked up. We must have spent 2 grand on beer that night.
"So we were shooting the shit about Keith Moon, and how bad-ass he was, throwing TVs out of the window and getting wasted on elephant tranquilizers. And pops says: 'Man, I've done some crazy shit in Black Sabbath but I've never thrown a TV out of the fuckin' window.'
"So I say: 'Well, you're about to.' Next thing, Oz is trying to pull the TV out of the unit, but this is, like, a 28-inch TV, and it's bolted down. Pops can't do it. So I I just grabbed the thing and ripped it right the fuck out.
"I pull it up on my shoulders with the cables hanging out, Ozzy opens up the window and looks out - because we're 6 stories up and, God forbid we kill somebody. I'm like, 'This TV is fuckin' heavy.' So I just fuckin' launch the thing. When it hit the ground - I kid you not - it was implanted in the concrete.
"The curtains are flapping and me and Oz were on the floor, crying with laughter. Then the tour manager comes into the room and tells us: 'You motherfuckers could be looking at some jail time out here for this.' But I told him: 'Just give 'em 20 grand; we'll piss that shit out of our dicks in merchandise tomorrow night.'"
But then when Sharon found out...
"'Mom' was pissed about that TV. Ozzy had to pay $44,000 for the hotel suite, because they said it would take them 44 days to fix, and she said, 'Zakk ain't getting out of this one alive either.' It cost me fuckin' 10 grand for that stupid piece-of-shit TV, even though it probably cost $120. Mom is always fair, but she don't take no shit from anybody. She's like, 'If you’re cool, I'm cool, but if you fuck with me then it's game on.'
And speaking of Sharon...
"There was one show in New Jersey, and the whole place had sold out within about 20 minutes. The promoter tells her: 'I want $8,000 in promotion.' Cos promoters are all douchebags. They're the bottom of the food chain. They'll get away with as much shit as they can. That's why you gotta keep 'em in line, keep 'em in check and give 'em a fuckin' good beat-down.
"So Mom tells this idiot: 'Why do you need eight grand? If the show sold out in 20 minutes, why do eight weeks of promotion?' She goes: 'No, I ain't giving you anything.' He's like: 'Listen up, bitch. You better give me that fuckin' money now.' Ozzy's just sitting there. So mom head-butts this motherfucker and knocks him the fuck out.
"This was before lawsuits were going down and all that shit. You whip out a fucking gun and stick it in someone's mouth now and there's gonna be fucking problems. But they never fucked with us again."
And finally, a funny Les Paul story...
"Hanging out with Les Paul is like hanging out with your dad: you're respectful, and that's the way it is. When I jammed with him, I actually bowed down to him and he goes: 'Son, while you're down there I got something else you can do.' I'm like, ah, fucking hell. Cos he's talking about sucking his dick, y'know?
"I knew he didn't know who the fuck I was when we were sitting up on stage. He goes: 'Son, where do I know you from?' And I'm just trying to think what to say, because I know that Les Paul doesn't sit around listening to fuckin' Ozzy and Black Label records.
"So I just told him: 'I got a Les Paul named after me. You know, the Zakk Wylde Les Paul with the bullseye?' Because that's the only way he's gonna know who the fuck I am.
"And he goes: 'That's funny, I have a Les Paul named after me too.'"